Sep 12, 2012 · 2 minutes
All you are going to see on the Internet today is talk of the iPhone 5. There is nothing else. No stories on Libyan extremists killing the US Ambassador, or on the Chicago’s teachers strike, or on the apparent squabble between Israel and the White House. Apple’s announcement will be live-blogged, live-tweeted, live-streamed, live-analyzed – and last night Dave Pell sent out a helpful reminder to say he’ll be live-masturbating the event.

The details will come to us drip-fed. The 8-megapixel camera. The 4-inch screen. The elegant form factor. The amazing new bevel. The antenna that actually works. The voice assistant that now talks dirty to your wife. The UFO-shaped ear plug thingy.

Tim Cook will channel his inner Steve Jobs and pace with great deliberation in front a giant slideshow, and journalists will transcribe his every breath like total PR suckers. The giant press event, one of the few times Apple actually talks to journalists, will last a couple of hours but resonate throughout the day – maybe even the week. Inevitably some geek will be disappointed that Apple didn’t integrate blow jobs into this update. Someone else will predict the end of Nokia. MG Siegler will point out that he predicted all of this four years ago and that the iPhone could be the next President.

Yes, the new iPhone is big news. Apple is the most valuable public company of all time. It owes much of that success to the iPhone. Samsung has good phones now, and so does Nokia. Android is on par with iOS but sales of the phones that run it are distributed across dozens of makers and models. The new iPhone, in this case, warrants a big story. But it needs only one. And here’s the lede:

Apple, the world’s most valuable public company of all time and maker of the Newton, today announced the details of its much anticipated new iPhone, the first version of the popular smartphone to be released since Steve Jobs’ death. The new phone is bigger, thinner, faster, more powerful, and better at taking photos than the last version, and it has a differently shaped ear bud that might not fall out of your ear every time you nod your head. It costs a lot of money, but don’t worry – you’re going to buy it anyway.
Despite what the flood of tweets entering your timeline will suggest, that's all that you really need to know right off the bat. Then the pundits can take to their soapboxes around the world to tell us in minute detail just how much thinner it is compared to the last one.

But all the live-blogging and the live-tweeting, as if an iPhone had just discovered intelligent life on Mars? (I bet it does more tweets-per-minute than the discovery of the Higgs boson.) I can live without it. Here is my pledge: For whatever time Tim Cook and his fellow executives are on stage, I’m going to take it back to 1999 by switching off my Twitters, reading news printed on pages, and doing my day job. Let’s see if I can survive.

(Oh, and don’t forget to read Pando’s coverage of the event. My editor made me say that.)