Dec 27, 2012 · 3 minutes

Nobody thinks you’re valuable. You just graduated from college with one of those impractical degrees. Literature or History or something like that. You provide no tangible skills, and your picture appears beside “fungible” in the dictionary. Corporations are looking for very specific abilities, and you posses none of them.

Nobody thinks you’re valuable, because your resume is full of experiences that don’t really belong on a resume. You traveled the world for eight months, but in corporate talk that’s called a “gap." Nobody cares if you worked in fast food during college to pay off your loans. Didn’t anybody tell you that 19-year-olds are supposed to intern for their father’s friends, not flip burgers at McDonalds? And what’s the big deal if you’re a white girl who speaks Cantonese?

Nobody thinks you’re valuable, because you are a career mid-manager. And you were lame enough to spend four years at the same company, even as you weren’t getting promoted fast enough. Didn’t anyone talk to you about career jumping and leveraging competing offers? Successful executives are great communicators — their job is not to deliver, but to set the right expectations. Did you get caught up in the world of doing? No wonder you never got promoted.

Nobody thinks you’re valuable, because you’ve had a number of managers, and their arbitrary opinions have been synthesized into some sort of rating and review process that HR thought was a great idea. Never mind, your boss forgot to submit his review of you, until Human Resources reminded him like 10 times. And the verdict this year is that you are...just okay. Maybe next year.

Nobody thinks you’re valuable, because your last company was a huge dud. Spin it all you like, but poaching from Square and Twitter is the way to grow a company not taking a risk on losers like you. Honestly, nobody has even heard of that crappy startup you failed to save. Most interviewers don’t have time to look the business up or see why it failed — but it was probably your fault. It’s time for you to start all over again and pick a winner this time.

Nobody thinks you’re valuable, because you suck at interviewing. Don’t think your nervous tick is going unnoticed right now. Maybe you should learn from your boss, who is on the interview circuit perpetually and thinks he’s fooling everyone with his never ending “dental appointments.” I bet he nails interviews like this. He’s so confident he says the word “success” every 30 seconds. He’s the guy who can turn an organization around, not you, Porky Pig.

Nobody thinks you’re valuable, because you’re a nice woman. Haven’t you sat in a meeting with your VP? She’s a ball-buster. Your positive attitude is a weakness, and your friendly demeanor gets in the way. You have no idea how to properly administer a threat. Oh, and your colleagues secretly wonder if you are going to quit after your wedding or when you have that baby. Don't worry, you’ll be a great mom.

Nobody thinks you’re valuable, and that’s why you won’t cost very much to hire. That’s why you will probably stay in your job, once you have it. That’s why you will do your best work — the work that nobody thought you capable of doing — when people listen to you and recognize your successes. That’s why you will be comfortable with your personality in an office environment for the first time ever.

You’re exactly the person I want to hire.

And it’s not because I’m nice. It’s not because I’m altruistic. It’s because I want to be rich, and you will make me rich.