Jan 26, 2013 · 3 minutes

Come on, everyone, it’s time to move on from Apple.

There’s nothing to see here. It’s just another “has been” company — one that fell from grace in the eyes of its investors. You can think of it as the Lance Armstrong of companies.

Oh, that it were only four months ago.

I remember when the stock was trading at $700 per share — analysts were discussing a jump to $1,000. The company walked on water. It pissed lightning and shat thunder. It’s employees never got sick. Rain wasn’t allowed over Cupertino.

Now, look at this smoldering crater of cesspool.

It has lost 40 percent of its value in just a few months, as people suddenly realized that iPhones aren’t cool anymore. You think that 45 million iPhones sold between January and March is cool? Guess what’s really cool — 50 million iPhones sold between January and March!

You’re such a noob. What do you think this is, Q4 2012? Ha. It’s Q1 2013, bitches.

Remember when I moaned that there was nothing exciting to buy this Christmas season. According to Wall Street’s interpretation, what I really meant to say was this…

Apple will never innovate again. They are all done. This one Christmas is symbolic of all Christmases now and forever. They have created at least four earth-shatteringly revolutionary products since I was in college, but that ends now. No more.

Their new Television will never come out. Nobody will buy it. I would rather have the Panasonic or Sharp equivalent — one of those ones with a hundred-page instruction manual, a blurry UI, and a model number like WTU-6300ES.

… and Apple certainly can't count on millions of fan boys all over the world buying their new TV just because it’s Apple. No chance of that. What about a game changing set of business development deals? Are we to believe that Apple might have some previously unprecedented level of muscle power to get great content into its new product? Highly doubtful.

It’s time to move on…

… to Netflix!

What an awesome company that is. Did you see their stock surge 40 percent in one day? It’s just like what happened to Apple, only in reverse.

We’re talking about a company whose distribution model is more brilliant than Amazon’s. It has a visionary leader who is like Teflon to his critics. Plus, everyone loves Netflix, whether it is a hipster, school teacher, Midwest housewife, or my dad.

Amateurs briefly doubted Netflix once or twice last year, but those people were moronic idiot retards. Everyone knew that Netflix had incredible brand recognition, impeccable leadership, the battle scars from killing Blockbuster, and a massive subscriber base that had to be worth something to somebody.

Netflix is like the Colin Kaepernick to Apple’s RG3. Remember how dumb we all were back in September? We thought that the future of football was a superlative athlete who could run and throw the football with ease, all while being a class act… and that his name was Robert Griffin.

As it turns out, Robert Griffin is now a limp playoff loser who may be too injured to return in time for next year. Plus his coach is an asshole.

And Colin Kaepernick is the real young, talented quarterback who can run.

In short, you don’t even know what you know. You must have thought that a decade-plus track record of success, a powerful corporate culture, the fundamentals of profit, and huge cash reserves were somehow “indicative” that Apple was a good company.

But, you should have approached this analysis from the perspective of a super popular fifteen-year-old cheerleader in Anaheim who listens to One Direction. She would have reminded you that the only thing that matters is what a bunch of shallow assholes think right at this moment. You should invest in companies that fit her criterion.

And that is why you were a fool to invest in Apple... Even if it is trading at six times forward earnings excluding cash.

(Disclosure: I own shares of AAPL).

[Illustration by Hallie Bateman]