The script to "The Newsroom" episode on CNN's Boston marathon debacle
As many on Twitter were quick to point out, this is precisely the kind of mainstream media debacle that the HBO Show "The Newsroom" loves to recreate and then correct by showing how newsrooms should have covered it. (Here's a good clip from Episode 4 illustrating this). In fact it's all but inevitable that "Newsroom" creator Aaron Sorkin will write an episode in which Will McAvoy and his crack team of producers refuse to report the Boston arrest before they are 100 percent sure, basically saving the world (because, you guys, there's literally nothing more important than a TV news anchor telling you that something did or did not happen. Especially if a saccharine Coldplay song is playing in the background).
So we decided to save Sorkin the trouble by writing it for him:
INT. ACN NEWSROOM - DAY
Neal and Maggie are surfing the Internet
NEAL
Hey, Maggie, did you see that thing on Reddit?
MAGGIE
What thing on Reddit?
NEAL
That thing. The picture of Lindsey Lohan where they photoshop out her lips? Lipsey Lohan?
MAGGIE
No. Why is that funny?
NEAL
It's not. It's just weird.
MAGGIE
Oh, cool. Put it on our Tumblr, and have the intern (new character played by Emma Roberts) make a list of the 12 Best Celebrity Mouth Memes.
NEAL
Got it.
JIM (shouting from across the room)
Guys, I think I got something! I was sitting here thinking of a funny Breaking Bad Tweet about Obama's ricin scare, you know because Walter used ricin in the 4th season, remember? Yeah so anyway I was doing that when I saw the AP Tweet that an arrest is imminent in the Boston Marathon bombing.
MAGGIE
Woah, how many Retweets?
JIM
A thousand. And counting. It's all over my "social graph."
MAGGIE
That's quite something.
Enter MacKenzie:
MACKENZIE
What's going on here? Why haven't we reblogged the mouth thing yet? It's trending, for fuck's sake!
JIM
The AP says that they have a suspect in the Boston bombing.
MACKENZIE
Turn on CNN!
WOLF BLITZER (on TV)
And another fact about pressure cookers is... Oh, this just in. An arrest has been made in the Boston marathon bombing.
MACKENZIE lets out a blood-curdling scream, a nightmarish din that sounds like a mix between Lucille Ball and an undead coyote. The rest of the newsroom stares in disbelief.
MAGGIE
It's ok, MacKenzie, we'll take care of it...
MACKENZIE
It's not that. I just realized I Snapchatted my vagina to the entire newsroom.
Enter Will, muttering to himself:
WILL
I'm a newsman, I'm a newsman, I'm a fucking newsman...
JIM
Will! AP, CNN, and Fox News all say a Boston marathon suspect is in custody.
WILL
Who is it?
JIM
CNN says it's a "dark-skinned individual," but CBS says it's a white male wearing a backwards baseball cap.
MAGGIE
How do you know that?
JIM
I'm livetweeting everything they say on the TV.
MAGGIE
Why?
JIM
Uh, because it's my job, Maggie. I'm a newsman.
MAGGIE
Will, what are you going to say on air? You can never be totally sure of these microblogging services...
WILL
What is this, amateur hour? Look, people, it's fine. White skin, dark skin, backwards cap, no-cap, we split the difference and say it's a light-skinned black man wearing a sideways fedora. When do I go live?
NEAL
Uh, Will, you're going to want to take a look at this. 4Chan's been herdsourcing photos to find the suspect, and they say the person CNN claims is in custody did not come from their database.
WILL
What's 4Chan?
NEAL
This miraculous herdsourced experiment that's totally disrupting everything we know about media. It's like Web 2.0 on crack.
MAGGIE
Isn't 4chan just a bunch of libertarians and pedophiles?
NEAL
Shut up, Maggie. Everyone knows you don't get web 3.0.
WILL
Well, hell, if 4Chan couldn't find him, how could the Boston police find him? This whole story smells fishy to me.
NEAL
I know. I have a guy who's an undercover Anonymous member. Want me to get him "on the horn"?
MACKENZIE
I'm a typical working woman in New York City and I can't stop screaming!
Enter Reese and Don
DON
I tried to stop him...
REESE
Will, why haven't you gone live with this Boston suspect story?
JIM
Well, Neal says that 4chan...
REESE
I don't give a fuck about 4chan! Every second you're not current, a thousand people are changing the channel to someone who is.
WILL
Get it the fuck together people!
A palpable silence invades the newsroom, the chords of Coldplay's "Fix You" begin to play...
WILL
This guy on Twitter once asked, "Does it matter how a man falls down? When the fall is all that left, it matters very much." When this team is on, it's like watching Shakespeare the way it's meant to be seen. I'm not going to report something unless the Internet crowdherd is 100 percent certain it happened. So gather ye rosebuds, I say. Gather ye rosebuds! And as for you, Reese, fire me or shut the hell up! I'm not "other people."
REESE
Are you going to let him destroy this network, Don?
DON, after a long pause
It's a suspect. The police pronounce them in custody. Not the news.
The newsroom erupts in applause as the magical refrain of "Fix You" hits its highest peak.
JIM
Will! This just in! ithinksexiscool29 just Tweeted that the Boston Police deny having anyone in custody! We did it!
WILL
Bravo! You're all newsmen!
INTERN
Um, guys? I Tweeted that the suspect was in custody like an hour ago. Was that bad?
Cut to five months later when the ACN staff are all working in PR.
[Illustration by Hallie Bateman]
