Jul 3, 2013 · 2 minutes


My name is Don Mattrick. I'll soon become the new chief executive of Zynga, the social gaming company that ruined your marriage, your sense of self worth, and your personal hygiene by convincing you that virtual farms and villages mattered more than the real world. (Which, I mean, they totally do. Please keep clicking. Please.)

You might know me because of my previous job as the head of Microsoft's Xbox division, where I tried to usher in a new era of gaming -- and computing -- with the Xbox One. I was going to connect everyone to the Internet. I was going to help support games publishers by preventing the sale of used games, which have ruined this industry I once loved. I was going to make fucking Matrix-level shit happen with the Kinect, which would come bundled with every console. I was going to rule the world!

And then you all complained about how Microsoft was invading your privacy, and how millions of you don't have a strong enough Internet connection to support an often-online console, and how you didn't want a camera watching your every move. So we changed the console I had spent years developing so you could comfortably pleasure yourself -- in whichever way you choose, as my new lawyers tell me I shouldn't mention "naughty bits" or "illicit activities" -- in the middle of the day while playing your friend's copy of "Call of Duty" and whining about how your brother won't get off the phone with his girlfriend so you can finally go online.

That's fine. I'm not bitter. Actually, I'm happy, because now I'm able to join Zynga! A company that specializes in games that can only be played online, can't be resold to GameStop or rented via GameFly, and are played on devices that almost all feature front-facing cameras. I mean, sure. I'm going to have to deal with the blatant rip-offs -- sorry, the lawyers inform me that I'm supposed to use the term "fast follow" -- and the never-ending sequels. Sure, the share price has plummeted and will probably never get back on track. But I'll be damned if I'm not going to be working somewhere that believes in a connected, camera-equipped, dog-loving future!

So I'd like to thank you, the hypocritical masses, for making Zynga the greatest gaming company that conforms to the way in which I'd like to change the world. I'm sure you'll enjoy playing "PrismVille," "Halo Something," and "Let'sKinect!" on Facebook. Or Zynga.com, I guess, if you wanna roll that way.

Mattrick out.