Sep 2, 2013 · 2 minutes

Let’s start a fight on the Internet.

It will be fun.

We shall feel that rush of adrenaline that comes only with real and intense conflict. We shall dispense cutting wisdom with withering wit. The crowds will look on in wonder, jaws slack, typing fingers rendered immobile. We shall spar; we shall joust; we shall fight with the righteousness of those who possess accounts of social media.

It’ll be exercise for the soul; a chin-up for the brain.

Let’s start a fight on the Internet, and engage in a bout of intellectual one-upmanship. We shall deploy barbs of 140 characters; swish the rapiers of retweets; clobber our opponents with fist-furious faves. No gif shall quell our fury. Our binary biffo will be memorialized in the halls of Hashtag. Our lols will echo off the walls of the World Wide Web.

Come brothers, and take up arms. Man the cannons, refresh the page. Let’s start a fight on the Internet. Let’s start a battle for our age.

Someone said something on a blog or Twitter or Facebook that seems racist or sexist or classist. Do not seek clarification. It may be ambiguous or unclear or out of context. It is more useful to assume bigotry. Direct bile accordingly. Disembowel the dilettante. Shame the charlatan. Undo the unenlightened. We shall not hold back. There is a fight to be had on the Internet, and we will win it for our fans.

If it turns out we are wrong, we shall not relent. There is no need to apologize on the Internet. Instead, our witnesses must understand that we are on the side of justice, equality, understanding, all things righteous. We are brave. We are virtuous. We are the living examples of humanity’s best. We must savage our opponents on Twitter so that the world may understand these things about us.

At times we will wonder if the people with whom we tangle might also have flesh and scruples. But we shall dispatch of that thinking as the ravings of a world that speaks not to the heathens of these plains. There is naught to gain by being civil – for this is a fight on the Internet.

There are things to be appreciated beyond our paid duties. The Internet must know what we think. It must know about Miley (disrespectful), Syria (what everyone should be talking about), Twitter’s new conversation lines (outrage), and those bloggers we hate (we hate them). These are the fights of the Internet.

Our spite improves discussion; our attacks cow the wrong. We criticize the untouchables. So fear not, followers: The arc of the moral universe may be long, but it bends towards us getting lots of faves on Twitter.

And to our grandkids, we can proudly say:

We once won a fight on the Internet;

You should have seen us in our prime.

Photo via USMC Archives