How to get away with temporarily inflating the price of your Twitter stock
FEBRUARY 8TH: Re/Code publishes exclusive leak suggesting that Shonda Rhimes will join the board of Twitter.
24 HOURS EARLIER
Twitter’s stock is in the toilet. Earnings are fast approaching. Investors and board members are watching their own net worth plummet.
TWO WEEKS EARLIER
“How about Shonda Rhimes? She’s popular, Twitter savy, would address our lack of board diversity and… man, I love that How To Get Away With Murder show she writes.”
“She doesn’t write that show, she produces it. She wrote Scandal and Grey’s Anatomy.”
“Cool, ok whatever.”
“Hey guys, just spitballing here but what about Kendrick Lamar?”
“Shut up, Jack.”
“Ok, I gotta go to Square.”
24 HOURS LATER
Jack is at work at Square.
TWO WEEKS LATER
A Twitter board member or possibly a Twitter investor who wants to prove he’s in the loop -- WE HAVE NO IDEA WHO IT IS! MAYBE IT’S THE CREEPY BEARDED GUY -- calls Kara Swisher with a hot tip.
48 HOURS LATER
Twitter’s earnings call. Growth is flat. Stock nosedives and then slightly recovers.
SIX MONTH LATER
Twitter’s fail whale is lying in a spreading pool of blood in a basement, Paris from Gilmore Girls is standing over the corpse holding a bread knife, sobbing “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” The camera swooshes upstairs where Peter Fenton is pacing back and forth holding a gun, the blue Twitter bird tied to a chair. “JUST LET ME THINK, JUST LET ME THINK."
TWO MONTHS LATER
Jack is at work at Square, eating a Danish.
FOUR MONTHS EARLIER
Everyone seems to have forgotten about the Shonda Rhimes announcement. Not a peep from the media. No follow ups at all on Re/Code about when her appointment might be confirmed. I guess it might still happen, might not. Might have just been total bullshit. Ah well. Oooh, the Amazing Race is back too! YouTube stars!
FOUR MONTHS, 1 HOUR LATER
Jack finishes his Danish.
FOUR MONTHS, 24 HOURS EARLIER
Shonda Rhimes is a TED.
What will happen next? Find out when the HOTTEST SHITSHOW OF THE YEAR continues in 3… 2…. 1….
THREE DAYS LATER
Kendrick Lamar joins the board of Twitter.