May 26, 2016 ยท 2 minutes

Start all the clocks, reconnect the telephone

Let the dog bark, take away its bone,

Tinkle the pianos and with amplified drum

Celebrate the fact that Twitter has finally found a way to make its stock price go up!

It sounds like a miracle, but it’s true. On Monday, the world winced as one as Twitter’s latest round of new features -- longer tweets! -- was met with howls of “is that it?” from investors. The result: Analysts at MoffettNathanson downgraded Twitter’s stock to a sell.

It seemed like there was nothing Dorsey and Co could do to please shareholders and users. As one wag put it, “Twitter could announce that it has perfected alchemy and its stock would still go down.”

But then yesterday something remarkable happened: Twitter announced something and its stock price went up almost 3%!

Unfortunately what it announced was the dissolution of its commerce team and the abandonment of its “buy button” project.

Yep, Twitter announced something new and its stock price went down. Then it un-announced something and its stock price went up.

So there’s the answer to all Jack Dorsey’s problems. All he has to do is keep cancelling things and watch as his company steadily increases in value and investor confidence.

Forget adding more characters to tweets. He should announce that he’s lopping 10 characters off the limit. Then another ten, then another. That should be good for a dollar or two on the price.

Then he should ax moments, then filtered timelines, then targeted advertising, polls, and finally @ replies. By then Twitter should be trading above the $20 price it hasn’t seen since January.

But that’s still a long way from its $69 all-time high. So next it’s time to start culling board members. Last in, first out perhaps. Bye Debra, bye Martha, bye Hugh and bye Marje. Now Peter, now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer and Vixen, on Comet on Cupid on Donder and Blitzen!

As Twitter rips out features and jettisons executives and workers, like Phileas Fogg steaming toward the finish line, so the share price will rise and rise. Until finally, Twitter is distilled to its purest essence: Jack Dorsey, sitting alone in a barber’s chair in a pure white, otherwise empty room. A trillion dollar haircut, wealthier than God and accountable to nobody.